I'm embracing our imperfections!

So yeah, mom was in town, then sister was in town, then it was July 4th and now life is back to normal...as normal as life gets in LA.

I have a bone to pick.

There's this unspoken competition going on with couples I have noticed lately. The "we're the perfect couple" competition (seriously, go on facebook and look and your couple-y friends photos). And I'm tired of it.

I feel like now that we're engaged other people are focused more closely on our relationship and who we are as a whole, whether we're compatible and whether or not we're gonna work out, if we fight and how happy we really are, I feel like we have to keep quiet about our imperfections for fear ppl will get "nervous" and unsupportive about us getting married. I feel like I look at other couples, comparing us to them; and they look SO giddy and perfect and sometimes I feel like we're supposed to look and act like that too, like there's something wrong with us if we don't. Of course I know that that's not what it's like behind closed doors. I had a friend who was madly in love, it was all she would talk about, they seemed like the perfect couple, they never had any issues and they clicked like they were made for each other...and then one day after 2 years together, out of the blue she called me crying to tell me they broke up, she wouldn't tell me why...24 hours later they were back together and now they 're married. When she called I was in shock, there had NEVER been any indication that there were issues. Are we supposed to be that couple? The couple where no one saw it coming when it ended? Or can we please be more real about it?

I know it's no ones business what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship, but maybe we should reach out to other couples for more support.

The boy and I are real people, we fight, we argue, we yell, we're stubborn and pig headed, we're both egotistical and can't let things go; but we love each other. We are not perfect, by any means but we make it work because we're a couple, and we know that we're normal people and we make mistakes.

Why is it that other couples can't admit that? I understand not airing your dirty laundry to others but I think that we should be honest with one another more often, maybe if we did that, maybe if we showed support to other couples it would make it a lot easier to navigate through this really tough part of life...love, relationships, marriage, being a partner and an imperfect human being. There should be more relationship support, we should admit as couples to one another more often that things are hard, that couples fight but that things will be ok and that there are ups and downs and people make it through alive. It might make us all fight a bit harder for what we have as opposed to giving up after feeling inadequate to those couples you know who put on a better show than you do.

I think as couples we're so afraid that people are going to judge us and our relationship that we're too afraid to not let it all hang out and be real with one another. I'm not one for throwing a martini in the boy's face at a bar but we should be more honest about things. Embrace our imperfections as people and own up to reality. So I'm here to say the boy and I fight, we have our ups and downs, our good days and our bad days, and it doesn't get any easier but to move forward we must embrace our imperfections and support each other in order to maintain balance and grow. We should do that for other couples as well...now all we have to do is get them to admit they aren't perfect first.

Can you be friends with a guy?

I'm a very social person, it's obvious that I wasn't an only child cause I cannot entertain myself for the life of me. I always relied on my sister to keep me entertained, I get bored alone, and I hate it. Now that we've moved and the boy is working oh well about 10 hours a day I'm alone a lot. I've been going to coffee shops and perusing the stores downtown to no avail, there aren't a lot of ppl down here who have any interest in being friends with a stranger.

Cut to the boy and I shopping at banana republic over the weekend and me making friends with one of the salespeople...a dude. I'm pretty sure he likes guys, but in this day and age and in this city you never really know. I walk by a million guys these days wearing shoes I own and jeans tighter and skinnier than mine so everyone is a mystery at this point.

So we set up a lunch date, banana boy and I, and I'm really excited. He seems really nice and I'm excited to have a friend. But what if he isn't gay? Is it ok to be friends with him?

Now at first when the boy and I had this conversation I got all pissy and called him possessive and a controlling weirdo but when he said, "If I met some random girl out and about and she and I had lunch together and started hanging out all the time how would you feel?!"

Point very well taken.

I've always had guy friends, often when I was younger I had more guy friends than girl friends, less drama, more fun, but I also wasn't engaged to be married. I have a very good guy friend from college that I still keep in touch with, the boy has met him, and he and I are still pretty close, if I could make him a bridesmaid I would. But I always made it very clear to said guy friend that we would only be friends, even when the boy wasn't in the picture yet, and even now the boy has never felt threatened by him (it probably helps that he lives in Indiana...and has a gf he adores).

So this brings up a question...can you be friends with newly met guys when you're in a serious committed relationship? If he ends up being gay is it better than if he isn't gay? If it turns out he isn't gay do we have to stop being friends?

I know that the boy trusts me, but I get it, I also see it from his point of view. When it really comes down to it though, I really would love someone to go to coffee with ya know?

To be or not to be separate

There are a lot of couples out there who do everything together, live, work and play together.

The boy and I do not. I think we would kill each other.

Though we mesh well in our relationship we are completely different people. He builds computers for fun, and I go to vintage clothing stores for fun.

I like to be outdoors, I love the beach, hiking, going out and doing things. I love eating out, going to concerts and events, shopping, reading at coffee shops and hanging out with my friends. If there is ever anything social to do outside of the house I want to do it or I feel like I'm missing out.

The boy loves to watch tv, play video games, go to the movies, be on his computer, read the news and drink beers with his friends. He's more the techy geeky one of the family. He's much more of a homebody than I am.

We do have certain things in common, we both love to read and are both relentless in our pursuit of information and answers to anything and everything, we both like movies and we love going on bike rides together; but other than that we are split. I kind of have an aversion to technology and the media and he embraces it with open arms.

I think this is ok. I think the fact that we are completely different in our pursuits is what keeps us on our toes. I don't get bored with him because he's nothing like me. There have been times where he wishes I would play video games or I wish he would go with me to have a cocktail at a nice bar but then I realize that keeping our interests separate gives us time to be individuals.

I know couples who aside from work are together all day and every day, all the time, without a break, they identify themselves by the other person, by being a couple, and they do everything together. If there's no separation then I think laziness and boredom set in, and if you're not careful that can lead to disaster.

But maybe I'm the one that has it backward? I'm sure people think it's weird that we're so different and we have a lot of things we do on our own (we often celebrate holidays separately with our own families), that even that can lead to separation. It did take us a while to figure the other person out on what we each find interesting in life, and there are compromises, we do things for each other that we wouldn't normally do on our own, but it works for us, and so far there haven't been any complaints.

So how much time is too much, and how little is too little? Do you spend all your free time with your partner or are you very different in what you find entertaining? How do you find middle ground in your relationship?

It ain't all that bad

Ok, here goes. I saw the new Sex and the City movie and...I liked it. I actually liked it. Of course I went in thinking I was going to hate it, and while there were a few cringe worthy moments, I think going in expecting to sit there in horror actually helped me leave pleasantly surprised.

The decadence was over the top, the clothes weren't that great and there were a couple of times where I thought "what the hell is going on here..." but for the most part the story line had some deep and meaningful qualities to it that save the film. The whole message I took from it was that relationships are hard, not just romantic ones but friendships, parenting, even work relationships and that they need to be worked on to maintain the positive aspects of them.

I actually really empathized with Carrie in her fear of losing the romance in her relationship and her fear of losing the fabulous life of a single woman. I think about that sometimes. When I got engaged one of my closest friends, my night out on the town buddy said, "Well, I will look back on all our fun single girl nights with fondness..." And while I smiled and hugged her, inside I was wondering why all of those fun nights out had to stop now that I was getting married? I worry about getting lazy as a couple, I don't want to turn into that couple that stops talking and doing things together and just watches tv in silence all the time, or have completely separate lives because we're so different in what we want. It takes work to maintain the "sparkle" and I understand that fear that she harbors.

But in the end I appreciate that Carrie realizes that it's not that her life; in settling down with Big, is changing for the worse and she should fight it, but that it's merely changing, and that she needs to embrace it for all the goods things and not look on it with dread.

I still want to be able to hold on to all the fun nights I have with friends, and I think I can do that. I think that both the boy and I want to maintain the romance in our relationship and not get lazy about things (though I do have to admit maybe that's more me than him, he thinks settling down and watching tv on the couch is just part of being in a relationship and I wholeheartedly disagree...but that's a different post I suppose...).

In the end I left the movie much happier than I thought it would. I think that it actually mirrored the television show more than the critics gave it credit for. It was all about the trials of being a wife, a parent, a woman, a friend, and career woman all in one film. If you can look past some of the ridiculous side stories and crappy jokes, it really did have some redeeming qualities.

I may have even liked it better than the first one...

Who asked you?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how often people are completely incapable of being happy for others. I've struggled with this a lot lately in myself and I'm really trying hard to change that. I remember right after I lost my job last August, the weekend after I had to move out of my very first apartment I rented on my own with my own money and had moved in to a house on the charity of my boyfriend and his brother I had to move the boy's sister into her second home that she and her new husband had just purchased. This was needless to say very hard for me. I had just gained my independence, felt like it was ripped away from me, the little bit that I had made on my own, and here I was moving some chick my same age into her second brand new home. I remember going through that day numb, trying to make it to the very last moving box, and driving to have lunch with my best friend and upon sitting down burst into tears feeling so very sorry for myself. It just didn't seem fair.

Then halfway through my third margarita I had a revelation (margaritas will do that for you), her life was not mine, and her decisions were not mine, and that was not the life I wanted anyway, to own a home; I had other plans, plans that were right for me and not for her. One day maybe I would own and home but I wasn't ready for such financial burdens and responsibilities; I had a lot more planned for myself than to just settle down. But maybe that was the choice she wanted to make and I should at least try to be happy for her and let go of the burden of comparing my choices to hers, cause it was getting me nowhere.

This has been coming up a lot recently for me, now that the boy and I are engaged. I've been more wary of the stigma of marriage. For the girl, it's all I should ever want, to get married and have babies and for the boy, it's all downhill from here. There is no support for the institution of marriage; in the media it's portrayed as being the pinnacle of ones personal life and also the root of all misery, sometimes in one single episode of whatever you may be watching at the time. Even in the new Sex and the City movie (something I haven't seen yet) I know now that Carrie and Mr. Big are married (she sure chased that man for a long time)and now there's no more sparkle; like as soon as they signed that marriage contract the balloon deflated and things started to really get boring. Really? I mean when was the last time you saw anything on tv or in the movies where there was a good, fulfilling, happy marriage? Where's the support?!

I mean why would anyone be getting married if it sucks that much?!

The boy told his boss the day after he proposed that he had gotten engaged and the boss' response? "That's a HUGE mistake" (He's in the middle of a divorce).

I was watching Kate Gosselin talk to a bunch of wedding dress models on tv today, and after asking if any of them were married and all of them replying no, she gave them a thumbs up and said, "good! You should all stay that way, don't do it."

Listen people, your mistakes are your mistakes, the choices you made were yours alone, so please don't go crapping on mine. I will be 27 years old and have completed the first year of my doctorate program by the time I get married and I can tell you right now I will have thought an awful lot about the commitment I am making before I make it. I won't know what your choices were, or what personal mistakes you made walking down your road but don't use them against the choices I make for my life. Please try to be happy for other people and the decisions they are making that will make a future for them and if you can't do that...fake it...or walk away. I'd be a lot better off not having you in my presence than giving me words of advice I certainly don't need nor did I ask for.

I want more support. I know that relationships are hard, being single is hard, being alive and living and making decisions every day is hard...so why make the moment harder for someone else by making them feel bad about their choices? It just doesn't make any sense.

Call Me Confused

I know this is old news but I've been thinking about the misconceptions women have about men and their thoughts on women. I've spent my whole life under the impression that men are attracted to well...this:


The overly busty blonde female, with not an ounce of meat on her, who looks like she'd do just about anything to please you, include not think or talk about anything...ever.

I think we could all agree that most women think of this type of woman when asked what they think men are generally attracted to, right? Women all over the world spend thousands of dollars trying to look like this woman. Blonde hair dye, no meals, tanning beds, teeth whitening, body scultping, botox, silicon implants, nose jobs, liposuction...you name it, we've done it.

But now it comes out that in Esquire magazine Christina Hendricks of Mad Men fame is voted the sexiest woman alive...wait...what?! My brain and all its well honed opinions just came to a screeching halt.


This woman has curves! I mean like a real woman's body! She has hips, and real breasts, and bright red hair, and pale skin and gasp, a personality! She probably even eats! She's a thinking woman's woman!

I'm confused. She is nothing, I repeat NOTHING like the woman I think we all envision when thinking about what men are supposedly attracted to. Does this throw anyone else for a loop? Or is it just me? Is anyone else surprised by these results and the obvious answer that we have men all grouped under these general shallow labels that they cannot get out from under?

I mean seriously. Wow.

God bless you Christina Hendricks and your real God given hips and beautiful ginger hair. I love you.

An Affair to Remember

It's my third week at the alzheimers residency, and A LOT of interesting and very very funny things have happened but this story has been the pinnacle of all experiences so far, and every time I tell it to someone I get very different reactions...so here goes.

Apparently the whole wedding/being married to another resident idea is not a new one in the home. There are women who think that some of the other men that live there are their husbands and vice versa, it gets tricky sometimes when family comes to visit but I think that most people understand its just the disease.

So I was talking to one of the managers and she tells me about another couple who wanted to get married to each other at the home. After a few weeks of the two of them talking about it the manager thought it would be cute and harmless to have a little fake "wedding." So she went to the Goodwill and bought a wedding dress, had a nurse stand in as the priest, and all the other residents sat in as guests.

It went off smashingly well, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, people were happy, the manager felt accomplished that she had been able to provide a small token of joy for this woman and man and then 2 hours later...

He SLAPPED HER.

Apparently the "wife" had mouthed off to the "husband" and he didn't like it, so he looked her in the eye and said, "You're my wife now, you're gonna behave" and then hit her in the face...

You can imagine my surprise as she's telling me this and I'm getting starry eyed about this love story only to be abruptly jerked back into reality.


Of course this leads to a lot of paper work and counseling and families getting involved and lessons learned but I'm more surprised by this:

After all this time, after the disease has taken away this mans memory and all the things associated with it he still after all this time has the idea ingrained into his mind that once he's married to a woman he can hit her; that it's tolerable.

This brought up many of my mother's lessons in my head, saying things like, "be careful who you marry, and make sure to date a long time, because people can sometimes surprise you after marriage. Sometimes if you don't give people enough time to show their true colors it might be too late..."

According to this she might just be right.

So the moral of the story, mom's might be right and don't meddle in other people's affairs, you might just have a lot of paperwork to fill out after all is said and done.

Sorry, I don't know who the picture is by.

The Marriage Ref

I don't know if any of you have been watching The Marriage Ref on NBC (you should btw it's hilarious) but I'm really enjoying it. While the idea is a little tacky, to help a fighting couple choose a winner, the fights, the couples and the panel of judges are very very funny. They do a great job of taking something that we think is a huge deal, like a big, never ending fight, and shed light on how ridiculous it is by using comedy...genius non? And then the panel votes on who has a better argument; and, they choose a winner supposedly to help end the fight for good (probably doesn't but still the idea is there).

Most of the fights have been over the top but comical, like the husband fighting over the dining room table that the wife refuses to use except for Thanksgiving, or the wife fighting with the husband who had their dead dog stuffed which now resides in the living room and creeps her out...but last thursday there was this couple...


The Spiegels. You can go read the description of the couple for yourself but I have to tell you it just doesnt do them the justice that they deserve. Clive, the husband is well...close with his mom, meaning he tells her EVERYTHING. She in return is sabotaging his 14 year marriage to his wife, Jacqueline. The mom is completely, 100% in Clive and Jackies business, she talks crap about the wife to her son regularly, telling him she's uneducated, and how awful she is and he just sits there and listens to her. It just gets worse and worse and worse escalating to a most unhealthy level to the nth degree. It was horrifying and I have to be honest I cannot for the life of me imagine that the wife has dealt with this for so long, the mother in law has been given a freedom she never should have been allowed and it's sickening. Oh, yeah did I mention he's a psychiatrist?

This got me thinking, how much information and freedom to roam should the in laws or your parents have in your relationship? I know we like to confide in our parents and we want them to be a part of our lives but how far is too far?

The boy is awfully close with his family, he tells them an awful lot (something I have taken issue with in the past), and his sister who is married has a room at her house all devoted to when their parents come to visit; which I have to say is well A LOT. I think its weird how much she lets them in to her marriage, I think it's dangerous ground. I don't have parents who are always here to see me, and I have to say I appreciate that. They have allowed me to grow up and be independent and do my own thing and it would weird me out and exhaust me if they were always here to "check in" and come for a visit. I sometimes feel that the boy's sister has allowed their parents to be too involved in her personal life with her husband. I know that she's close with her mom and I admire that but it's a bit too close if you ask me.

With a parents tendency to want to keep and eye on their kids and want the best for them even when we've grown up, what happens if you allow the freedom of openness in your romantic relationship as well? I know when I go home I try to avoid telling my dad and stepmom too much about my relationship because I know they would meddle if they were allowed and they certainly try when I'm home leaving me upset and questioning parts of my relationship I felt good about before I went home.

So, how far is too far? And how do you go about protecting your personal relationship without alienating your parents? At what age are we supposed to stand up for our love lives and start to keep privacy and distance?

I know that the boy and I could have that problem from both sides but we also love our parents and don't want them to feel unwelcome in our lives, our parents do often have experiences to share and advice to give that we may not know nothing about at this point in our relationship. But I do know that I certainly don't want to end up like the Speigels. There has to be boundaries and protection without causing distance...

Loving the imperfect person perfectly

I have this problem, I have these disastrously high expectations for people, expectations and standards no one has ever met, not even close, not that I should be surprised by this; but it's a big problem. I hold people in the highest regard when it comes to the choices they will make, who they are as people, how they will follow through on these decisions and when they fail, as we all do, when I realize that they are human just like everyone else I am heartbroken. I lost a lot of friends this way. I have a hard time swallowing peoples imperfections and failings and how disappointing people can be sometimes. And I generally hold these expectations highest for the people I am closest to.

As I've grown up though, I have begun to accept the fact that no one is going to be able to fulfill my expectations, this came to me when I realized that I was pushing people away hypocritically; that I too am not perfect and I will never be so (bummer), realizing its completely unfair to be shocked when people stumble and fall. When I began to stumble and fall myself over and over (there were some rough years, especially when it came to boyfriends) I started to take on a whole new outlook. Some call it negativity, I call it realism. I embraced the total opposite of my past sentiments and almost expected people to fail, therefore when they actually did I was not nearly as surprised, shocked or upset by their failings.

I began to not expect much out of people, that way I was either not surprised at all when they totally sucked or I was totally and pleasantly surprised when they ended up being more than I expected of them (which frankly wouldn't have been hard with how low of a standard I gave people sometimes). But this can lead to very little quality when it comes to the human life forms you find yourself spending time with and you end up being disappointed anyway. I've now started to embrace not expecting anything, good or bad from anyone and just seeing where it all goes.

So one can imagine I was surprised when I read this in Committed in reference to the marital outlook of the Hmong women, "A Bride whose expectations for happiness are kept necessarily low to begin with is more protected, perhaps, from the risk of devastating disappointments down the road."

IS this the answer? Have I just been embracing the attitudes of the Hmong all this time and not even knowing it?!

Of all the people we would like to think are wonderful, beautiful, perfect people, we would like to hope that the one we choose to spend our lives with, share our most intimate of selves with would be somewhat close to perfect right? I mean its one thing to hold relatively low expectations when it comes to an acquaintance but our life partners?! Really?

So whats healthy and what isnt? We don't want to have such low expectations for the person we love, that might be insulting (to both us and them!) and with low expectations might come repeated failings that may not necessarily be healthy to continually overlook. But we also shouldn't expect perfection because that will surely lead to unbelievable disappointments when we realize we merely married a human being, a perfectly imperfect person.

So do the Hmong have it right? Should we set our expectations for our lives with someone low, so as not to be disappointed in the end? Or should we want more than that for ourselves, potentially setting ourselves up for failure? I know we like to think we deserve so much more than imperfections, we've been told our whole lives to hold the bar high, very high because we are princesses, but is this the right attitude?

Photo by CKSum via flickr

To be or not to be my soul mate

When the boy first told me he knew that I was the one he wanted to marry it was not too far into our relationship. The beginning of our time together was still rather fresh in my memory. I remember that we had just come back from his sisters wedding and that events completion had steered us on a natural progression of discussions, one of which was getting married.

I remember when he told me I was flattered, and it made me feel wanted, and that is a nice feeling; to know that someone out there wants to spend their life with you, that's quite a commitment and quite a compliment. I thought a lot about that day after it happened, I thought of all the boys I had thought I wanted to marry, some of them were real and some were celebrity daydreams, I think one was even a prince (I aim high). It got me thinking, were the boy and I soul mates? Or was it more like we were at an appropriate age, where it could now be a realistic consideration? Did he want to marry me because we were meant to be, or did he want to marry me because we were in the right place at the right time?

I asked him this question once during a good oral hygiene session, mid tooth brush I looked him right in the eye and asked him if he had ever wanted to marry any of his other girlfriends? He said no. Then I asked if he thought he wanted to marry me because I was dating him at the age where people started considering it an option, the next step? He said probably.

While this is not romantic, it's honest and true and I would bet that the reason why a lot of people get married to the person they date in their mid twenties is because they happen to have run into each other right around the supposed "marrying period." I know a guy that dated a girl for 6 years, all through college and grad school they were together, and they were serious, everyone thought she was perfect and that they were perfect together; but, the relationship ended without so much as a glance at a ring. Right after the relationship was over he started dating another girl and after being together for almost 2 years he's already saving up to buy her an engagement ring. This puzzles me, he didn't even consider marrying the girl he had been with for ages...to me it appears that she just didn't come into his life during the "marrying period" of his life story and that ended that.

There were lots of boys when I was younger I talked about marriage with, but it never seemed plausible. We were young, and poor and we didn't have any idea where our individual dreams would take us, so we couldn't see how we would fit into each others lives. I'm now at an age where I know exactly where my dreams are going to take me, and I am able to see how those dreams fit into a relationship with the boy. He knows where his dreams will take him and they appear to be taking him in a similar direction as mine, because we are able to do that, we are able to blend our dreams together and this makes lifelong commitment to one another a realistic endeavor.

In Committed, Gilbert writes, "Moreover, they would likely agree that there is not one special person waiting for you somewhere in this world who would make your like magically complete, but that there are any number of people (right in your own community probably) with whom you could seal a respectful bond."

But what about that magical love we have so dutifully bought into? The butterflies and the idea that we have found the magical missing piece of ourselves in someone else? We are raised on ideas like this, practically bottle fed these stories, and a lot of grown women still believe these things to be true.

So my question is this, do you believe in soul mates? That there is truly one and only one person out there for you and you're meant to be? Or do you believe that you just end up in the right place at the right time? That you've reached a level in your life, with your age and where you are with your goals and your partner has done the same where you can see yourself marrying?

Maybe if we let go of the soul mate idea we might have a better chance of realistically embracing a partnership with someone. Being someone's soulmate, completing someone is a lot to live up to, and almost impossible a dream to fulfill. Perhaps this is why so many relationships end in disappointment.

Photo from Kristine May's photostream

Little life lessons learned from mom

Still thinking (this could be a problem) so I'm just gonna go with it people. When I was in college I wrote a paper about how divorce affects the attitude about relationships and marriage for kids who were the product of divorce vs. those who still have married parents. I thought it would be really cut and dry, that those who were from divorced marriages would never want to get married or at least be more cautious before doing so, and those that still had married parents would be totally into the idea of marriage and want to get married like. right. now.

It appears its not totally that way. And my dreams of becoming a famous researcher on the effects of divorce were thus very quickly crushed. So I was thinking back about how my parents divorce when I was 9 affected me and how a few of my friends, including the boy feel about marriage when their parents are still together. It got complicated.

When I was in high school I spent all of my time with my 3 best friends and we never left each others sides. we were our own little microcosm of ideas and goals for what we wanted in life. Two of us (#1 and #2) were from divorced single mom households, and 2 (#3 and #4) were from married households (one marriage was very traditional catholic (#3), and one was uber liberal, independent mom who traveled the world doing research and obtaining her PhD and dad was a psychologist(#4)...this will matter in a minute).

It seemed to me looking back on it, that the ones that were from married homes would want to get married right away and the ones that were from single mom homes wouldn't. None of us are married yet, but the one that wanted to get married and have kids the most was #2, who's mom had been single and divorced like since #2 was born. And I would bet if she weren't dating a 40 year old man who's divorced with commitment issues she'd be married by now. #3 with her super traditional catholic family wanted to get married and have babies just as bad and she's still out there looking for the right guy. #4 just graduated with her masters in international public health and is in a serious relationship but more interested in travelling and saving the world. As for me, I never wanted to get married. I wasn't interested in dating or being committed to someone, my mom appeared to carry on and even do better on her own. She indirectly sent me messages and set an example for me, I learned from her without really knowing it, she was my one example of what it was like to be or not be married that I had to learn from.

I learned a lot from my mom about the right and wrong things to do in my own life as well as a life with someone else. I learned to always be prepared and to exercise independence and never lose my own dreams, to have my own bank account with a "rainy day" fund set aside for any "just in case" situations in life (not just divorce), I learned to get an education and have my own career, not to lose myself in my marriage and my children because those things may not last forever and what do you have left when it's all gone? Yourself and the things you worked for to provide for yourself (that could be anything, your emotional stability and financial stability).

But she became a good example of what a woman should be after he was gone, she was independent, did whatever made her happy, she learned how to navigate her way around a toolbox (quite well I might add), got a good job and stood up for herself, she had no one to depend on but herself. She had no one to depend on to make her happy, so she learned how to do it herself. It appeared she got on perfectly fine without being married and without having a man in her life and that showed me it was ok not to "need" a man, to be proud and happy to be a woman on her own and to stand up for myself and what I believe in, and not let anyone take that away from me, even the man I love. Even from a really young age I didn't want to be married and be a mom, I wanted to be a career woman, a total power B*itch, who was single and independent and didn't give a crap about men. That's changed a bit, I found someone who encourages my dreams, tolerates my attitude and someone I can see myself being able to be with for a long time; but, I still have the foundation of what my mom indirectly taught me and that will never change.

It is true though that people who have parents that are still married have a much more positive outlook on marriage and long term commitments. But on the other hand do they lack the realistic understanding that once you get married things don't become perfect? That a marriage is 2 people who are trying to navigate through life together, but they're still 2 seperate people who have seperate ideals, and goals and attitudes, and they'll fight and get angry and that's ok? We're so in love with the idea of love and forget that relationships are hard. I might be more of a cynic than that woman who grew up in a happily married home but i feel like I got a preview into the hardships of life and relationships and I feel like I'm well prepared to look out for and deal with the rough patches and more cautious in my choosing of a life partner to avoid making the same mistakes a lot of women do.

So how did your parents, single, married, dating or otherwise set an example for you? What indirect messages about marriage and relationships did you get from them? Have those changed since you've grown? We learn so much as women from our moms and dads as we grow up and marriage and relationships are no acception to the rule, what lessons did you gain, and do you wish they'd been more honest with you and told you more?

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography

so...what do I do now?

I've been mulling some ideas about marriage and relationships and youth around in my head for a while now and it's all got me thinking some very serious thoughts. I'm 25 and I feel like I'm at an age now where EVERYONE is getting married. As soon as I graduated college every girl I knew or know got engaged and married within a year or so of us leaving school. Every status on facebook changed to "engaged" and that is a very big act to follow and quite intimidating when I still have a lot of questions about this relationship and committment stuff.

I was reading one of my very favorite blogs yesterday, Jezebel and there was a post on there about Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) and her new book Committed. This book got bumped up to the top of my reading list and is sitting on my night stand ready to be opened as we speak. I like Gilbert and her attitude on life and I especially love when a smart woman who questions life and all the mixed messages in it, gets married and writes a book about it.

After watching the clip on there I had a lot to sit around and think about. The boy and I have talked about getting married, we've even looked at rings a little bit, but I have to wonder are we wanting to get married because we want to spend the rest of our lives together (I'm pretty sure we do) or are we wanting to get married because it's the next thing to do in the long line of societal expectations when it comes to relationships? Gilbert in her interview on the Bonnie Hunt show says that the women who are happiest in their relationships and in their own lives are the ones who waited the longest to get married. Yet I feel like every girl I have talked to talks about getting married or wanting to get married like right now...

When I was a senior in college my roommate, someone I had admired for her electrical engineering major and desire to make big things happen in the world, got engaged to a boy she'd been dating for a year (they're married now, she's a housewife, and baby #1 is on the way) and it started a long line of thoughts in me. I remember reading the school paper a few weeks before I graduated about girls who were about to graduate and were planning a wedding at the same time (how to balance finals and invitations at the same time sort of thing) and this is at the University of California not some southern conservative private school. The day of commencement I sat next to a girl I didn't know, waiting for our names to be called so we could walk up and receive our diplomas, we chatted casually about school and what our plans were, I told her I was taking the MCAT and applying to medical school, I asked what her plans were and she smiled and raised up her left hand to reveal a diamond ring. These were not isolated incidences they happen all the time (still do)...supposedly it's just the next step; you pay thousands of dollars for an education to better your life and make something of it and then you get married and have a baby.

I can't go on facebook without seeing new wedding photos and not a single one of these women is over 25. So what is it? Is it the wedding, or just the next step, the fear of being alone, making other people happy (like the parents) or the status symbol? Are we that impatient and don't want to enjoy the relationship first? I find myself thinking about marriage and getting married and then realize I need to focus more on the relationship for now and not be distracted by the allure of a wedding because after the wedding you still have to have a relationship, and now its for a loooooong time. This new book by Elizabeth Gilbert has got me thinking over some pretty serious things and I want to explore them on here. I want to get a good discussion going with women, both married, in relationships and single to talk about things I don't know much about just yet.

If I could talk to my 40 year old self, what would she say? Wait, don't wait, don't lose your independence, maintain goals for yourself, don't lose him...I don't know. All things I want to talk about. With you. So feel free to give me your two cents...or even the whole dollar. I want to get down to the nitty gritty of it all, I don't want to just buy into the pretty pictures without thinking about it first, it just aint my style.

Michelle my belle.

I was taking a break from studying and came across an article in the NY Times about the "First Marriage." It's a very interesting and honest article, thanks to Michelle Obama who is honest about how difficult a relationship can be.

She has a lot of interesting things to say, especially this:

“If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work. . . .” Michelle Obama said a few minutes later in the interview. The image of a flawless relationship is “the last thing that we want to project,” she said. “It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.”

I appreciate this very much. The boy and I are not perfect people and though we aren't married we intend to be, and sometimes through both our stubborn ways, hot heads and control freak status of the both of us, it's hard to see how these things truly work out. Especially when you're on the outside looking in on other people's seemingly perfect non tumultuous relationships. It would be impossible to accomplish a perfect relationship, even though there are a lot of messages out there that project this ideal, and I truly feel that because a lot of people expect perfection in their marriages it is precisely why they don't work out. I think people think it will always be rainbows, hearts and butterflies and it will all be easy street...and then life throws a curve ball.

I see it in girls my age all the time. They care about the wedding, the pretty pretty dress and flowers and all the attention, and then have a serious problem when a year later things aren't as pretty anymore. They completely forget through the illusions of the wedding industry that there is a marriage afterward. That's not to say I don't like weddings (duh).

It's nice to know that the Obamas are aware that they are an example for other relationships, yes not the only example but a big one, and that she can openly admit that yes, there are downs. They do have them, and every one will. But it doesn't mean it's the end. Now there's a reality check I think a lot of people need (sometimes even I do). These things take work, and in a society where a lot of people expect things to just be handed to them, it's nice to see someone admit that things won't always be perfect. But that doesn't mean that they wont work out.

Thanks Michelle.