To be or not to be my soul mate

When the boy first told me he knew that I was the one he wanted to marry it was not too far into our relationship. The beginning of our time together was still rather fresh in my memory. I remember that we had just come back from his sisters wedding and that events completion had steered us on a natural progression of discussions, one of which was getting married.

I remember when he told me I was flattered, and it made me feel wanted, and that is a nice feeling; to know that someone out there wants to spend their life with you, that's quite a commitment and quite a compliment. I thought a lot about that day after it happened, I thought of all the boys I had thought I wanted to marry, some of them were real and some were celebrity daydreams, I think one was even a prince (I aim high). It got me thinking, were the boy and I soul mates? Or was it more like we were at an appropriate age, where it could now be a realistic consideration? Did he want to marry me because we were meant to be, or did he want to marry me because we were in the right place at the right time?

I asked him this question once during a good oral hygiene session, mid tooth brush I looked him right in the eye and asked him if he had ever wanted to marry any of his other girlfriends? He said no. Then I asked if he thought he wanted to marry me because I was dating him at the age where people started considering it an option, the next step? He said probably.

While this is not romantic, it's honest and true and I would bet that the reason why a lot of people get married to the person they date in their mid twenties is because they happen to have run into each other right around the supposed "marrying period." I know a guy that dated a girl for 6 years, all through college and grad school they were together, and they were serious, everyone thought she was perfect and that they were perfect together; but, the relationship ended without so much as a glance at a ring. Right after the relationship was over he started dating another girl and after being together for almost 2 years he's already saving up to buy her an engagement ring. This puzzles me, he didn't even consider marrying the girl he had been with for ages...to me it appears that she just didn't come into his life during the "marrying period" of his life story and that ended that.

There were lots of boys when I was younger I talked about marriage with, but it never seemed plausible. We were young, and poor and we didn't have any idea where our individual dreams would take us, so we couldn't see how we would fit into each others lives. I'm now at an age where I know exactly where my dreams are going to take me, and I am able to see how those dreams fit into a relationship with the boy. He knows where his dreams will take him and they appear to be taking him in a similar direction as mine, because we are able to do that, we are able to blend our dreams together and this makes lifelong commitment to one another a realistic endeavor.

In Committed, Gilbert writes, "Moreover, they would likely agree that there is not one special person waiting for you somewhere in this world who would make your like magically complete, but that there are any number of people (right in your own community probably) with whom you could seal a respectful bond."

But what about that magical love we have so dutifully bought into? The butterflies and the idea that we have found the magical missing piece of ourselves in someone else? We are raised on ideas like this, practically bottle fed these stories, and a lot of grown women still believe these things to be true.

So my question is this, do you believe in soul mates? That there is truly one and only one person out there for you and you're meant to be? Or do you believe that you just end up in the right place at the right time? That you've reached a level in your life, with your age and where you are with your goals and your partner has done the same where you can see yourself marrying?

Maybe if we let go of the soul mate idea we might have a better chance of realistically embracing a partnership with someone. Being someone's soulmate, completing someone is a lot to live up to, and almost impossible a dream to fulfill. Perhaps this is why so many relationships end in disappointment.

Photo from Kristine May's photostream

Lime Curd Tart

Ok, mini break from love and marriage stuff for a moment. I've made this lime curd tart 2 times now, and when I say 2 times, I mean like 2 times in the last 2 weeks and each time I've made it it gets rave reviews. I made it for the boys parents over the weekend and they ate the entire thing, the WHOLE thing, in one sitting. So I think that means its good. I thought I would share it with you as a gift of love, for Valentines day, cause I love you (aw).

What you need for the tart shell:
3/4 cup of unsalted butter at room temp.
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups of all purpose flour
pinch of salt

What you need for the filling:
4 limes at room temp.
1 1/2 cups of sugar
1/4 lb of unsalted butter at room temp.
4 extra large eggs at room temp.
1/8 teaspoon of salt

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment (you can do this with a hand mixer, I have before) mix the butter and sugar together until they are just combined. Add the Vanilla.


In a medium bowl, sift together the flour and salt, then add them to the butter and sugar mixture.
Mix on low speed until the dough starts to come together. Dump onto a surface dusted with flour and shape into a flat disk.

Press the dough into a 10 inch round false bottom tart pan (if you have one, clearly I didnt) making sure the finished edge is flat. Chill in the fridge until firm.

Butter 1 side of a square of aluminum foil to fit inside the tart and place it, buttered side down on the pastry. Fill with beans or rice so that while cooking the dough doesnt bubble. Bake for 20 minutes. Remove the foil and beans carefully, prick the tart all over with the tines of a fork, and bake again for 20-25 minutes more, until lightly browned. Allow to cool to room temp.

Remove the zest of 4 limes with a zester, being careful to avoid the white pith. Squeeze the limes to make 1/2 a cup of juice and sat aside. Put the zester in a food processer fitted with a steel blade, add the sugar and process for 2-3 minutes, until the zest is finely minced.

In the bowl of the electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar/lime zest mixture. Add the eggs, 1 at a time, and then add the lime juice and salt. Mix until combined.

*NOTE* The mixture will curdle but don't fret, you're not doing anything wrong. It will come together when you heat it in the saucepan.

Pour the mixture into a 2 quart saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until thickened, about 10 minutes or so. The lime curd will thicken just before simmer. Remove from heat and set aside to cool down.

Once curd cools to a warm, fill the tart shell with warm lime curd and allow to set at room temp.

Once it has set, serve immediately or refrigerate until ready to serve.



So delicious. Enjoy!

Oh man

After I walked around the house on some weird wedding/marriage rant this last week I think I scared the boy. I went into a passionate speech last night involving a lot of the same topics I've been thinking about lately, he looks at me, says "Well, this is great. I'm glad you're so anti marriage now." Then slowly walks away from me on the couch mouth agape.

Let me clear something up and make it very clear. I am NOT anti marriage. Quite the opposite actually. I'm anti getting married for the wedding and forgetting about what comes after, anti getting married without thinking about what it all entails, not thinking about the commitment you are making to someone and thinking about the work, effort and nurturing you have to put into a relationship to make it last.
I'm anti losing yourself so much in your relationship that you forget who you truly are. I think that's something a lot of women have a hard time with because we are giving creatures but that walks a fine line with giving til you've lost it all. I'm anti the pressure I think society can put on young women to find a man and settle down...I don't understand it in this day and age when we have so many choices why that seems to be the loudest one.

I'm very much pro marriage and that's why I think it's so important to think about it, A LOT before diving in, and knowing who you really are before sharing that person with someone else for the rest of your life, and not very many young girls are mature enough to have truly found themselves yet and that can get you into some very tough situations throughout life. I think people just rush into things without using their heads first.

I've been thinking about it all myself lately, and I thought I would share that journey with you. I value your opinions and experiences and I feel like all of your input is important since I can only live my one life; I like to hear stories about your lives and loves, triumphs and mistakes. So please keep telling me your stories.

Kell on Earth

Has anyone watched Kell on Earth? Kelly Cutrone's new show? Like the Kelly Cutrone from PR and fashion firm People's Revolution, you probably know her if you watched The
Hills, ya know before it went from bad to I'm gonna tear my hair out and eat it if I have to watch these people anymore...

It's good, well more like she's good. I kind of love her. She's a straight up, balls out, take no prisoners, tell you like it is and not care, mega super awesome female. I want to hug her for being so fearless about everything, not afraid to do what she wants or look how she wants and balance the constant demands of being a single mom, and powerhouse without complaining (If she probably didn't hit me for trying to touch her).

It's on Bravo Mondays at 10 (for you West Coasters, holler.)

She's famous for being so quotable, favorite so far? "I didn't think it would be such a big deal (on letting Ashley Dupre, call girl famous for former NY Gov. Spitzer controversy, crash a fashion show) I mean half of the people sitting in the front row are sleeping with men for money, they just might be called their wives."

The interesting thing is, I made the boy watch it and he asked if she was a lesbian...I think it's interesting that a strong minded, brave, hardcore woman, who knows what she wants, and doesn't care what she looks like to others can't also be assumed to be a heterosexual woman. She has to be a lesbian right? Because of course if she isn't wearing a pretty dress, or carrying a baby on her hip, or painting her nails she must be a lesbian.

It's not the boys fault, this is very typical of society that we assume such things. I'll honestly say I've done the same things, we all do. But here's this, I'd rather be able to wear jeans with holes in them, have a tattoo, drink a beer, not painted my nails for years and wrestle with the best of them and be assumed to be a lesbian than how things used to be for women (I'm not sure I could do a corset, it looks awfully uncomfortable).

Photo found on wireimage.com

Stop doing this to me!

This bag just kills me. Kills me dead. It's torture, like fashion water boarding. And I can't handle it.

photo found on The Sartorialist (as usual)

Little life lessons learned from mom

Still thinking (this could be a problem) so I'm just gonna go with it people. When I was in college I wrote a paper about how divorce affects the attitude about relationships and marriage for kids who were the product of divorce vs. those who still have married parents. I thought it would be really cut and dry, that those who were from divorced marriages would never want to get married or at least be more cautious before doing so, and those that still had married parents would be totally into the idea of marriage and want to get married like. right. now.

It appears its not totally that way. And my dreams of becoming a famous researcher on the effects of divorce were thus very quickly crushed. So I was thinking back about how my parents divorce when I was 9 affected me and how a few of my friends, including the boy feel about marriage when their parents are still together. It got complicated.

When I was in high school I spent all of my time with my 3 best friends and we never left each others sides. we were our own little microcosm of ideas and goals for what we wanted in life. Two of us (#1 and #2) were from divorced single mom households, and 2 (#3 and #4) were from married households (one marriage was very traditional catholic (#3), and one was uber liberal, independent mom who traveled the world doing research and obtaining her PhD and dad was a psychologist(#4)...this will matter in a minute).

It seemed to me looking back on it, that the ones that were from married homes would want to get married right away and the ones that were from single mom homes wouldn't. None of us are married yet, but the one that wanted to get married and have kids the most was #2, who's mom had been single and divorced like since #2 was born. And I would bet if she weren't dating a 40 year old man who's divorced with commitment issues she'd be married by now. #3 with her super traditional catholic family wanted to get married and have babies just as bad and she's still out there looking for the right guy. #4 just graduated with her masters in international public health and is in a serious relationship but more interested in travelling and saving the world. As for me, I never wanted to get married. I wasn't interested in dating or being committed to someone, my mom appeared to carry on and even do better on her own. She indirectly sent me messages and set an example for me, I learned from her without really knowing it, she was my one example of what it was like to be or not be married that I had to learn from.

I learned a lot from my mom about the right and wrong things to do in my own life as well as a life with someone else. I learned to always be prepared and to exercise independence and never lose my own dreams, to have my own bank account with a "rainy day" fund set aside for any "just in case" situations in life (not just divorce), I learned to get an education and have my own career, not to lose myself in my marriage and my children because those things may not last forever and what do you have left when it's all gone? Yourself and the things you worked for to provide for yourself (that could be anything, your emotional stability and financial stability).

But she became a good example of what a woman should be after he was gone, she was independent, did whatever made her happy, she learned how to navigate her way around a toolbox (quite well I might add), got a good job and stood up for herself, she had no one to depend on but herself. She had no one to depend on to make her happy, so she learned how to do it herself. It appeared she got on perfectly fine without being married and without having a man in her life and that showed me it was ok not to "need" a man, to be proud and happy to be a woman on her own and to stand up for myself and what I believe in, and not let anyone take that away from me, even the man I love. Even from a really young age I didn't want to be married and be a mom, I wanted to be a career woman, a total power B*itch, who was single and independent and didn't give a crap about men. That's changed a bit, I found someone who encourages my dreams, tolerates my attitude and someone I can see myself being able to be with for a long time; but, I still have the foundation of what my mom indirectly taught me and that will never change.

It is true though that people who have parents that are still married have a much more positive outlook on marriage and long term commitments. But on the other hand do they lack the realistic understanding that once you get married things don't become perfect? That a marriage is 2 people who are trying to navigate through life together, but they're still 2 seperate people who have seperate ideals, and goals and attitudes, and they'll fight and get angry and that's ok? We're so in love with the idea of love and forget that relationships are hard. I might be more of a cynic than that woman who grew up in a happily married home but i feel like I got a preview into the hardships of life and relationships and I feel like I'm well prepared to look out for and deal with the rough patches and more cautious in my choosing of a life partner to avoid making the same mistakes a lot of women do.

So how did your parents, single, married, dating or otherwise set an example for you? What indirect messages about marriage and relationships did you get from them? Have those changed since you've grown? We learn so much as women from our moms and dads as we grow up and marriage and relationships are no acception to the rule, what lessons did you gain, and do you wish they'd been more honest with you and told you more?

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography

so...what do I do now?

I've been mulling some ideas about marriage and relationships and youth around in my head for a while now and it's all got me thinking some very serious thoughts. I'm 25 and I feel like I'm at an age now where EVERYONE is getting married. As soon as I graduated college every girl I knew or know got engaged and married within a year or so of us leaving school. Every status on facebook changed to "engaged" and that is a very big act to follow and quite intimidating when I still have a lot of questions about this relationship and committment stuff.

I was reading one of my very favorite blogs yesterday, Jezebel and there was a post on there about Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) and her new book Committed. This book got bumped up to the top of my reading list and is sitting on my night stand ready to be opened as we speak. I like Gilbert and her attitude on life and I especially love when a smart woman who questions life and all the mixed messages in it, gets married and writes a book about it.

After watching the clip on there I had a lot to sit around and think about. The boy and I have talked about getting married, we've even looked at rings a little bit, but I have to wonder are we wanting to get married because we want to spend the rest of our lives together (I'm pretty sure we do) or are we wanting to get married because it's the next thing to do in the long line of societal expectations when it comes to relationships? Gilbert in her interview on the Bonnie Hunt show says that the women who are happiest in their relationships and in their own lives are the ones who waited the longest to get married. Yet I feel like every girl I have talked to talks about getting married or wanting to get married like right now...

When I was a senior in college my roommate, someone I had admired for her electrical engineering major and desire to make big things happen in the world, got engaged to a boy she'd been dating for a year (they're married now, she's a housewife, and baby #1 is on the way) and it started a long line of thoughts in me. I remember reading the school paper a few weeks before I graduated about girls who were about to graduate and were planning a wedding at the same time (how to balance finals and invitations at the same time sort of thing) and this is at the University of California not some southern conservative private school. The day of commencement I sat next to a girl I didn't know, waiting for our names to be called so we could walk up and receive our diplomas, we chatted casually about school and what our plans were, I told her I was taking the MCAT and applying to medical school, I asked what her plans were and she smiled and raised up her left hand to reveal a diamond ring. These were not isolated incidences they happen all the time (still do)...supposedly it's just the next step; you pay thousands of dollars for an education to better your life and make something of it and then you get married and have a baby.

I can't go on facebook without seeing new wedding photos and not a single one of these women is over 25. So what is it? Is it the wedding, or just the next step, the fear of being alone, making other people happy (like the parents) or the status symbol? Are we that impatient and don't want to enjoy the relationship first? I find myself thinking about marriage and getting married and then realize I need to focus more on the relationship for now and not be distracted by the allure of a wedding because after the wedding you still have to have a relationship, and now its for a loooooong time. This new book by Elizabeth Gilbert has got me thinking over some pretty serious things and I want to explore them on here. I want to get a good discussion going with women, both married, in relationships and single to talk about things I don't know much about just yet.

If I could talk to my 40 year old self, what would she say? Wait, don't wait, don't lose your independence, maintain goals for yourself, don't lose him...I don't know. All things I want to talk about. With you. So feel free to give me your two cents...or even the whole dollar. I want to get down to the nitty gritty of it all, I don't want to just buy into the pretty pictures without thinking about it first, it just aint my style.