I've been thinking a lot lately about how often people are completely incapable of being happy for others. I've struggled with this a lot lately in myself and I'm really trying hard to change that. I remember right after I lost my job last August, the weekend after I had to move out of my very first apartment I rented on my own with my own money and had moved in to a house on the charity of my boyfriend and his brother I had to move the boy's sister into her second home that she and her new husband had just purchased. This was needless to say very hard for me. I had just gained my independence, felt like it was ripped away from me, the little bit that I had made on my own, and here I was moving some chick my same age into her second brand new home. I remember going through that day numb, trying to make it to the very last moving box, and driving to have lunch with my best friend and upon sitting down burst into tears feeling so very sorry for myself. It just didn't seem fair.
Then halfway through my third margarita I had a revelation (margaritas will do that for you), her life was not mine, and her decisions were not mine, and that was not the life I wanted anyway, to own a home; I had other plans, plans that were right for me and not for her. One day maybe I would own and home but I wasn't ready for such financial burdens and responsibilities; I had a lot more planned for myself than to just settle down. But maybe that was the choice she wanted to make and I should at least try to be happy for her and let go of the burden of comparing my choices to hers, cause it was getting me nowhere.
This has been coming up a lot recently for me, now that the boy and I are engaged. I've been more wary of the stigma of marriage. For the girl, it's all I should ever want, to get married and have babies and for the boy, it's all downhill from here. There is no support for the institution of marriage; in the media it's portrayed as being the pinnacle of ones personal life and also the root of all misery, sometimes in one single episode of whatever you may be watching at the time. Even in the new Sex and the City movie (something I haven't seen yet) I know now that Carrie and Mr. Big are married (she sure chased that man for a long time)and now there's no more sparkle; like as soon as they signed that marriage contract the balloon deflated and things started to really get boring. Really? I mean when was the last time you saw anything on tv or in the movies where there was a good, fulfilling, happy marriage? Where's the support?!
I mean why would anyone be getting married if it sucks that much?!
The boy told his boss the day after he proposed that he had gotten engaged and the boss' response? "That's a HUGE mistake" (He's in the middle of a divorce).
I was watching Kate Gosselin talk to a bunch of wedding dress models on tv today, and after asking if any of them were married and all of them replying no, she gave them a thumbs up and said, "good! You should all stay that way, don't do it."
Listen people, your mistakes are your mistakes, the choices you made were yours alone, so please don't go crapping on mine. I will be 27 years old and have completed the first year of my doctorate program by the time I get married and I can tell you right now I will have thought an awful lot about the commitment I am making before I make it. I won't know what your choices were, or what personal mistakes you made walking down your road but don't use them against the choices I make for my life. Please try to be happy for other people and the decisions they are making that will make a future for them and if you can't do that...fake it...or walk away. I'd be a lot better off not having you in my presence than giving me words of advice I certainly don't need nor did I ask for.
I want more support. I know that relationships are hard, being single is hard, being alive and living and making decisions every day is hard...so why make the moment harder for someone else by making them feel bad about their choices? It just doesn't make any sense.
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So, I'm not married, so i can't vouch - but I have plenty of friends who ARE married. And half of them say absolutely nothing changes, it is just the same as before plus perhaps a better health insurance plan and an extra piece of jewelry. The other half says it's so much better than previously. And this includes couples who have been married fro a very long time. I don't actually know too many married couples who crack the jilted cliche jokes, because all of them are seriously smitten with their loved ones. So guess I'm saying... Eff the naysayers. It's a wonderful thing, and this is coming from someone who never wanted to get married (ever) before meeting my current boyfriend. :)
ReplyDeletewhat an incredibly true statement.
ReplyDeletelove this post.
I think a lot of guys especially will tell other guys not to do it so they look cool and like they're not "whipped," but most of it is BS in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteMarriage IS hard, no question, especially if you're lucky enough to get decades together. I think you both have committed to respecting each other, trying to make the other person happy and keeping it fresh when possible.
That said, from what I've seen, most guys get the better end of the deal overall. Which is ironic considering that it's usually the women pushing for marriage. I suppose that's why the whole wedding industry machine/monster was created--to get girls excited about marriage.
Anyway, I think it's impossible to talk about this kind of subject without generalizing and, like you said, that's not fair. All I can tell you is I don't regret getting married. Also, if you're interested, I read an interesting book on the subject -- the "Meaning of Wife."
This is such a great post! I agree about having a hard time feeling happy for people. I felt the same way when my friends started getting job offers before graduation, and I was jealous even though we weren't even in competition for the same jobs!
ReplyDeleteAnd I saw that clip of Kate Gosselin too. I just rolled my eyes and chalked it up to her being her usual assy self.
Great post.
ReplyDeleteI think that way sometimes, too. Most people I went to school with have their own home, or are on their second. But then, they didn't travel after school or complete a university degree, and the majority of them either have children or are trying. Those are their life choices, not mine. There are positives and negatives in any situation.
We hope to buy a house after the weddings, but we're not going to overextend ourselves to the point where we can no longer travel. And babies can wait a while!